Two Weeks

As I sit here and catch up on all the posts I've missed, attempt to fill everyone who may be reading this in as to how life has been since "The Call" as I've come to label it now, I realize its been two weeks tonight. The comments and phone calls of people checking up on me have dwindled down, again I'm left saying thank you, the support of my co-workers, classmates, and EMS professionals from other companies has been tremendous and makes me proud of what EMS as a profession is becoming. I sit here still battling this plague that they call the "Flu", still feeling like crap, but I have become victim of my night schedule, even though I haven't worked in days, I still sleep during the day and am often up all night, I think this is adding to my stress. I unfortunately don't seem to be feeling better quick enough, I now am facing the fact that although I mentally feel better my lungs do not agree. I'm getting short winded a lot today, and find myself violently coughing, and now coughing up well I won't even tell you what kind of mucous. I'm not sure I'll make it back to work tomorrow, sounds like another call to the doctor tomorrow.

I have talked with my friends and my girlfriend, and we've all come to an agreement that my stress level and my emotions have been on the rocks ever since I went to nights, I've worked days for 2 years now and I don't think my body and mind is adjusting very well to nights, I'm beginning to think this may have contributed to my inability to deal with "the call" very well. I find that I was happy to be sick, happy to avoid going to work and facing stress again, I find it hard to face stress right now, perhaps because I have so much, I know its part of the job, but I need to lessen the stress in my life, I've begun debating if I'll be successful precepting on nights, I've contemplated asking my supervisors to switch me to a preceptor on days. Nothing against my current preceptor, I have the utmost respect for him and think he is an outstanding Paramedic, I just think that working nights is adding undue stress to my life right now, and perhaps I'd succeed more rapidly precepting on days, sure it'll be slower and take longer but I'll be healthier and a little less stressed. I also have started to doubt if this is truly what I want to do with my life, sure I know I don't want to work commercial EMS forever, but do I want to be a Paramedic, to have the stress of having someones life in my hands, perhaps on a regular basis?? I faced this same decision 2 years ago, when I decided I didn't want to pursue becoming a Police Office anymore because of the politics, did I make the right decision? Or have I again faced an obstacle that put me in a hard place, and rather then overcome it I chose a different path? One thing is clear, I am miserable in Connecticut, I hate this weather, facing yet another snow storm, another cold night, miserable people who have all chosen to live here complaining and driving like complete morons, I'm sick of the pace of life, I want it to all slow down, I want to enjoy life everyday, I want warm weather, warm people. I guess its time I really need to set my foot down and chase my real dreams. My dreams of moving down south, being happy and successful. In order to chase these dreams though I need to decide where my life is going to lead my career wise, and first and foremost I owe it to myself to finish precepting, I can't just throw this away right now, not yet, not this soon. I need to figure out how I can get through this, many before me have, maybe they haven't face the same obstacles I have this past year, the death of my aunt who raised me, the death of one our medic instructors, my life falling out from under me, and then such a shitty call so soon into precepting. The one thing I do know, is that if I make it through this, I truly will honor the ones I've lost, and hold myself on a higher pedestal. I need to get through this......