In the past 2 weeks I feel as if I've begun to make noticeable progress in becoming a Paramedic. I have been to Red Pod at HHED more then I remember and count, the staff is recognizing me as a Paramedic and not an EMT now as I continue to make the transition. I have continued to do routine ALS and BLS calls, and I have seen critical patients now. I have struggled with getting IV access and beat myself up over it to only watch the staff in the ED have to resort to Central Lines or getting a line with ultrasound. I got my first pre-hospital Adult Cardiac Arrest and my first field intubation and first intubation since my OR time last May. The feeling of that first Code, that first tube, the first time you shock someone, is indescribable, but those who have been there know it, and crave it as do I now. I crave my next tube, my next code, its still so fresh and new to me that it still excites me and I hope it will the rest of my career. The slim chance of making a difference, the feeling of getting pulses back and fighting to keep them, the chance to some day see that person walking down the street again, that is after all what we got into EMS for right?
I continue to gain more confidence and get more comfortable with my skills and knowledge, sure I have a long way to go still, more to learn, and more to do, but for now I'm happy where I am and where I'm going. Out of all the feelings and emotions I have gone through in the past few months as you have read, the best feeling was my preceptor giving me the chance to tech a routine ALS diabetic on my own while he rode up front, sure it was as routine as it could get, the nursing home pretty much fixed her believe it or not before we arrived, but it was still something I was doing by myself and I soaked it up and loved every second of it.
For now I will get in the truck and continue to do my best, continue to learn, crave my next tube, my next code, and hope for trauma the one thing I've yet to see while precepting.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Getting Comfortable
Growing up as a kid and learning to ride a bike your often told that once you fall off, you've just gotta get right back on and do it again, eventually it will come natural, and years later you can just get right back on after years of being off and still do it, a little shaky at first but you'll succeed. This idea rang into my head as i drove away from work Sunday morning after a busy Saturday night in the city. I realized that I had fallen off from precepting for a while, I had lost interest, I had doubted my career tract and the direction my life was going in. However I was determined to give it a go, I mean after all I just put myself through a year of medic school hell I can't give up that easily. I realized that now after a few shifts back on the road, I'm getting back into the game, I feel my head is in the right place again and its back to business.
Things are starting to come together and its starting to feel more and more natural to me, now I'm not going to sit here and say I'm no longer nervous that would be a lie, but its starting to feel more comfortable. I'm finding myself getting more comfortable with the "Routine ALS" calls and nervously waiting and anticipating the more mind numbing challenges of the aggressive ALS calls. My skills are improving, during my clinical time in the ED I was fairly successful with my IV's, I didn't have too hard of a time, this has not been the case so far in the back of the ambulance. My success rate has been poor and everyone trys to cheer me up except my preceptor naturally. Everyone talks about bad streaks of success rates and that everyones misses, sure its true but during precepting this should be my time to be successful and prove myself so its been a burden I've carried. I've sat in the back of the truck and tried to figure out exactly why I've been doing wrong with our catheters, these are a style I've never used before and I feel its all in my grip. So Saturday night I adjusted my grip, while it feels a little akward I pulled off 100% of my IV's, sure I may have caused a blood bath inside an Apt because of a poor tamponade technique but hey I got the IV and pushed the meds I needed to, now I just need to work on doing it cleaner haha!
So all and all things are on a much better track, In a sense of the analogy I have gotten back on my bike and I am peddling away, it feels natural, its getting comfortable, and I look forward to the challenges ahead, I look forward to finally becoming a good medic.
Things are starting to come together and its starting to feel more and more natural to me, now I'm not going to sit here and say I'm no longer nervous that would be a lie, but its starting to feel more comfortable. I'm finding myself getting more comfortable with the "Routine ALS" calls and nervously waiting and anticipating the more mind numbing challenges of the aggressive ALS calls. My skills are improving, during my clinical time in the ED I was fairly successful with my IV's, I didn't have too hard of a time, this has not been the case so far in the back of the ambulance. My success rate has been poor and everyone trys to cheer me up except my preceptor naturally. Everyone talks about bad streaks of success rates and that everyones misses, sure its true but during precepting this should be my time to be successful and prove myself so its been a burden I've carried. I've sat in the back of the truck and tried to figure out exactly why I've been doing wrong with our catheters, these are a style I've never used before and I feel its all in my grip. So Saturday night I adjusted my grip, while it feels a little akward I pulled off 100% of my IV's, sure I may have caused a blood bath inside an Apt because of a poor tamponade technique but hey I got the IV and pushed the meds I needed to, now I just need to work on doing it cleaner haha!
So all and all things are on a much better track, In a sense of the analogy I have gotten back on my bike and I am peddling away, it feels natural, its getting comfortable, and I look forward to the challenges ahead, I look forward to finally becoming a good medic.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Two Weeks
As I sit here and catch up on all the posts I've missed, attempt to fill everyone who may be reading this in as to how life has been since "The Call" as I've come to label it now, I realize its been two weeks tonight. The comments and phone calls of people checking up on me have dwindled down, again I'm left saying thank you, the support of my co-workers, classmates, and EMS professionals from other companies has been tremendous and makes me proud of what EMS as a profession is becoming. I sit here still battling this plague that they call the "Flu", still feeling like crap, but I have become victim of my night schedule, even though I haven't worked in days, I still sleep during the day and am often up all night, I think this is adding to my stress. I unfortunately don't seem to be feeling better quick enough, I now am facing the fact that although I mentally feel better my lungs do not agree. I'm getting short winded a lot today, and find myself violently coughing, and now coughing up well I won't even tell you what kind of mucous. I'm not sure I'll make it back to work tomorrow, sounds like another call to the doctor tomorrow.
I have talked with my friends and my girlfriend, and we've all come to an agreement that my stress level and my emotions have been on the rocks ever since I went to nights, I've worked days for 2 years now and I don't think my body and mind is adjusting very well to nights, I'm beginning to think this may have contributed to my inability to deal with "the call" very well. I find that I was happy to be sick, happy to avoid going to work and facing stress again, I find it hard to face stress right now, perhaps because I have so much, I know its part of the job, but I need to lessen the stress in my life, I've begun debating if I'll be successful precepting on nights, I've contemplated asking my supervisors to switch me to a preceptor on days. Nothing against my current preceptor, I have the utmost respect for him and think he is an outstanding Paramedic, I just think that working nights is adding undue stress to my life right now, and perhaps I'd succeed more rapidly precepting on days, sure it'll be slower and take longer but I'll be healthier and a little less stressed. I also have started to doubt if this is truly what I want to do with my life, sure I know I don't want to work commercial EMS forever, but do I want to be a Paramedic, to have the stress of having someones life in my hands, perhaps on a regular basis?? I faced this same decision 2 years ago, when I decided I didn't want to pursue becoming a Police Office anymore because of the politics, did I make the right decision? Or have I again faced an obstacle that put me in a hard place, and rather then overcome it I chose a different path? One thing is clear, I am miserable in Connecticut, I hate this weather, facing yet another snow storm, another cold night, miserable people who have all chosen to live here complaining and driving like complete morons, I'm sick of the pace of life, I want it to all slow down, I want to enjoy life everyday, I want warm weather, warm people. I guess its time I really need to set my foot down and chase my real dreams. My dreams of moving down south, being happy and successful. In order to chase these dreams though I need to decide where my life is going to lead my career wise, and first and foremost I owe it to myself to finish precepting, I can't just throw this away right now, not yet, not this soon. I need to figure out how I can get through this, many before me have, maybe they haven't face the same obstacles I have this past year, the death of my aunt who raised me, the death of one our medic instructors, my life falling out from under me, and then such a shitty call so soon into precepting. The one thing I do know, is that if I make it through this, I truly will honor the ones I've lost, and hold myself on a higher pedestal. I need to get through this......
I have talked with my friends and my girlfriend, and we've all come to an agreement that my stress level and my emotions have been on the rocks ever since I went to nights, I've worked days for 2 years now and I don't think my body and mind is adjusting very well to nights, I'm beginning to think this may have contributed to my inability to deal with "the call" very well. I find that I was happy to be sick, happy to avoid going to work and facing stress again, I find it hard to face stress right now, perhaps because I have so much, I know its part of the job, but I need to lessen the stress in my life, I've begun debating if I'll be successful precepting on nights, I've contemplated asking my supervisors to switch me to a preceptor on days. Nothing against my current preceptor, I have the utmost respect for him and think he is an outstanding Paramedic, I just think that working nights is adding undue stress to my life right now, and perhaps I'd succeed more rapidly precepting on days, sure it'll be slower and take longer but I'll be healthier and a little less stressed. I also have started to doubt if this is truly what I want to do with my life, sure I know I don't want to work commercial EMS forever, but do I want to be a Paramedic, to have the stress of having someones life in my hands, perhaps on a regular basis?? I faced this same decision 2 years ago, when I decided I didn't want to pursue becoming a Police Office anymore because of the politics, did I make the right decision? Or have I again faced an obstacle that put me in a hard place, and rather then overcome it I chose a different path? One thing is clear, I am miserable in Connecticut, I hate this weather, facing yet another snow storm, another cold night, miserable people who have all chosen to live here complaining and driving like complete morons, I'm sick of the pace of life, I want it to all slow down, I want to enjoy life everyday, I want warm weather, warm people. I guess its time I really need to set my foot down and chase my real dreams. My dreams of moving down south, being happy and successful. In order to chase these dreams though I need to decide where my life is going to lead my career wise, and first and foremost I owe it to myself to finish precepting, I can't just throw this away right now, not yet, not this soon. I need to figure out how I can get through this, many before me have, maybe they haven't face the same obstacles I have this past year, the death of my aunt who raised me, the death of one our medic instructors, my life falling out from under me, and then such a shitty call so soon into precepting. The one thing I do know, is that if I make it through this, I truly will honor the ones I've lost, and hold myself on a higher pedestal. I need to get through this......
Race Day!
Sunday was an exciting day, I was awoken by my girlfriend around 2pm, and I was eager to get out of bed, because yes folks ITS RACE DAY! I had never been a true NASCAR "fan" until the past few years, I dated a girl who's family was very into NASCAR, so into it that they watch every Sunday, and usually attend 2 races a year. Now I was never into it that much prior, I'd watch highlights to see a crash, or if I was home bored would flip it on to watch a lil bit of it. I was fortunate enough to attend my first NASCAR race with her family, all be it a boring race it was a race none the less. The experience of the entire weekend really opened my eyes up to the sport and yes I said SPORT. Camping out for the weekend, just having a good time, and then the thrill of the cars rushing past you, the sounds, the smells overwhelmed me and turned me into a fan. I've since only been to one other race, but I plan to attend and even work EMS at a few races this season. So with that tangent done, today is Race Day, the first of the season and perhaps one of the biggest races of the year the 50th running of the Daytona 500. We grab some wings from a local restaurant and sit down on the couch and fire up the race on HD, turns out the girlfriend is also a race fan, we enjoy a nice relaxing day watching the race and call it an early night. I wake up Monday morning, and just my luck I'm sick, I feel like I got hit by a mack truck, my body aches, my joints are stiff, my nose is congested and I just feel generally like crap. What follows is days of misery, each day worse then the previous. I call the doctors office, knowing what they'll say but just so I can get the note for work, sure enough the doctor talks to me and tells me I have the flu, tells me to rest up and take the next two nights off from work. So now 4 weeks into precepting, I've only actually precepted 5 nights, I am not off to a good start.
Back To Work
Saturday I wake up and I'm ready for it, ready to put back on my Paramedic Rocker and go back to work, I decide that I'll get in and just tell my Preceptor how I feel, that tonight I just need to have fun, a stress free night of just doing the job together, no grilling questions about protocols or anything just fun. I walk into work earlier then normal for my shift, my supervisor is delighted to see me back, gives me a pat on the back and again tells me he thinks I'm going to be a great Paramedic and again offers his support, and tells me he's glad to see me back. My preceptor walks in and asks how I'm doing, and I tell him the truth, I tell him not the greatest, I tell him how nervous I am and he agrees, tonight will be a fun night. I get in the back of the truck and start to check out my gear, it gets my nerves going, I never get through checking the gear with out getting thrown into a call, tonight is different, tonight my preceptor gets in the back of the truck and helps me go through the gear, I settle down, I get comfortable again, I'm going to make it through this. I go to grab more equipment for our truck, and I noticed my preceptor is rather eager and hurried to have me put it away in the truck, I open the side door and see a pie sitting on my ALS bag, I break out into laughter, victim of a good prank. See during CISD we were asked how we had all decided to deal with our stress, I commented that "I throw Pie" and went on to explain after an altercation with my g/f that I had tossed a pie out my front door and down the sidewalk in frustration, to only wake up the next morning and find it back on my front porch with a note that said "I think you dropped this" apparently my neighbor witnessed this incident and found the entire event funny, as did my coworkers when hearing about the story, thus tonight everyone will eat pie at my expense. We head out onto the road, its a slow night we run a few calls 1 ALS, 2 BLS drunks that were rather humorous in nature, my preceptor and his partner run the calls, I just help them out and get comfortable being back in the truck doing 911 calls. At 2am that morning we were given an ALS transfer, now these are particularly harder to come by at night, and needing at least 1 for my precepting period it came time for me to step up and take this one.
He's 22 years old, just trying to have a good time when he made a bad choice, this gentlemen decided to jump on a couch that was on fire, sounded like a fun cool guy thing to do. Unfortunately it earned him a trip to Bridgeport Burn Center w/ 2nd and 3rd Degree burns to 25% of his body. Its a routine trip, I calculate a drip rate based on the Parkland Formula for Burns quickly in my head based on the Pts weight and his total percent of burns, and it matches the MD's orders, I also receive verbal orders for Pain Control for my Patient during transport, basically this kid has been given 23mg of Morphine thus far, 100mg of Fentanyl, and I now have additional orders for only 4mg every 30 minutes as needed, my standing orders by Protocol are better then that order, but I'm not the doc here so I abide and write down her orders. We get our Patient as comfortable as we can manage, this kid has burns to his arms and his back, its going to be a long trip for him. We set off for Bridgeport and immediately have to give him an initial dose of Morphine, we get him as comfortable as we can, and we talked the whole ride down, we keep his pain at a minimum with the first dose and get him to Bridgeport. We bring him upstairs and transfer him to their staff, we clean up our stretcher, and as we get ready to leave something catches my eye. A guy is sitting up in one of the rooms, 60% of his body is covered with sterile dressing including his face, he's looking out at us as we pass by, I look into his eyes and see the pain and agony in his eyes, I get the goose bumps as I walk by, I think to myself that what I am going through in my life is petty compared the pain and tragedy felt by others.
He's 22 years old, just trying to have a good time when he made a bad choice, this gentlemen decided to jump on a couch that was on fire, sounded like a fun cool guy thing to do. Unfortunately it earned him a trip to Bridgeport Burn Center w/ 2nd and 3rd Degree burns to 25% of his body. Its a routine trip, I calculate a drip rate based on the Parkland Formula for Burns quickly in my head based on the Pts weight and his total percent of burns, and it matches the MD's orders, I also receive verbal orders for Pain Control for my Patient during transport, basically this kid has been given 23mg of Morphine thus far, 100mg of Fentanyl, and I now have additional orders for only 4mg every 30 minutes as needed, my standing orders by Protocol are better then that order, but I'm not the doc here so I abide and write down her orders. We get our Patient as comfortable as we can manage, this kid has burns to his arms and his back, its going to be a long trip for him. We set off for Bridgeport and immediately have to give him an initial dose of Morphine, we get him as comfortable as we can, and we talked the whole ride down, we keep his pain at a minimum with the first dose and get him to Bridgeport. We bring him upstairs and transfer him to their staff, we clean up our stretcher, and as we get ready to leave something catches my eye. A guy is sitting up in one of the rooms, 60% of his body is covered with sterile dressing including his face, he's looking out at us as we pass by, I look into his eyes and see the pain and agony in his eyes, I get the goose bumps as I walk by, I think to myself that what I am going through in my life is petty compared the pain and tragedy felt by others.
Getting Back To Precepting
Friday night was suppose to be my first night back precepting at work. I'm so nervous again I can't sleep. I can't figure out why I'm so nervous, I know what to expect, I've been there, I've done it for 4 nights now and quite frankly it can't get any worse then it did already. The hours inch closer and closer, and now its the time I should be getting myself in the shower to get ready, but I can't, I can't physically move, I'm panicky and find myself on the verge of having an anxiety attack. I think to myself that I'm losing it, I need to get a hold of myself, this isn't who I am. I call one of my supervisors personal cells, he's been very supportive with everything thats been going on, and a person who I know is a phone call away, he gets my the number to our EAP, tells me to call the ASAP and get back to him and let him know what happens. Well after getting the initial run around with EAP they set me up with a counselor in the area, shes contacts me by phone and we have a 15 minute conversation, she reassures me that what I'm going through is normal following a stressful incident, its my bodies way of telling me I might not be ready to face stress again, she suggests taking the night off and just relaxing, focusing myself and mentally preparing myself to go back to work. She says shes out of the office and she'll get back to me tomorrow with an appointment to come in and talk to her. I call out that night, part of my responsibilities of a preceptee is I'm suppose to call and let me preceptor know I won't be in, but I'm too embarrassed too, I just call my supervisor and tell him and leave it at that for now. Later that night I get a text message from my preceptor asking how I'm doing, and again offers his support telling me to call him anytime, anytime I need it he's willing to go grab a drink, I appreciate his support I really do, but this is something I need to do on my own...
Emotions Run Wild
Thursday as most of you know was Valentines Day, a traditional all be it "Hallmark" holiday in my opinion in which you'd spend with a significant other. I was suppose to work this night however I had previously taken the night off to spend with my girlfriend. We were suppose to go to a local bar to see a band she liked with a bunch of her friends. I had plans to be up relatively early and try to get a lot accomplished today. Normally I can pick my paycheck up and if I'm in a pinch I can get to the bank before they close at 5pm, see at 4pm they switch over to the next days date and will usually cash your check a day early for you because it won't post until the next day anyways. I can't make it to my branch by 5pm so I go to another local branch and hope they'll be understanding and help me out with cashing my check, I mean it is after all Valentines Day right? WRONG! The guy behind the counter had no consideration to my plight what so ever and said that if the folks cashing my checks at the other branch ever got caught by their corporate office they'd be fired.. This gentlemen by no means was what so ever pleasant with me, I think he was having quit the bad day himself, none the less it put me quit the rotten mood. Here I am now on Valentines Day with plans to go out with pocket change, sure I have money I'm not broke by all means, but no where enough to make it as special of a night as I wanted to make it for my girlfriend. I talk to her on the phone and low and behold shes not exactly in the greatest mood either, to make things short a lot of miscommunication unfolds and I am stuck sitting at home. She went out with the girls and had a good time, and after a little drama was sorted out and a few friends taken care of she came over late that night and we were able to reconcile things, however its just more and more instances since last week that I find myself more and more irritable over nonsense stupid things that I shouldn't let bother me, that normally probably wouldn't bother me but now do.
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